Thursday, March 10, 2011

growing and changing

Not only is Escher growing and changing day by day, I feel as though I am too. Becoming a parent is life changing event. You come home from the hospital with this tiny little baby that you are completely responsible for. In the midst of diapers and bottles you slowly become wrapped up in the day to day things and your mentality becomes "making it through the day." Then, slowly, you get better and better at making it through the day. Some days, in fact, you might even feel pretty darn good about how you handle parental responsibilities. You feel confident and happy, and you feel so proud to watch your child develop and grow. There is no other feeling in the world than when you see your child accomplish something new. Having Escher in my life has no doubt given me the most joyful moments in my life!

But... Then comes a bump in the road. Or a pothole. Or hell, even a huge mountain. How do you handle it? Escher has officially hit the terrible twos. According to knowledgeable doctors, the terrible twos can hit as early as 18 months. We made it to 20. I wake up every day not knowing the challenges that my high energy man will bring me. I go to bed every night wondering if I made the right decisions in raising him. I know that I am stressing out about it more than I should, but the phrase "start as you mean to go on" is just echoing in my head!

I am learning to pick my battles with a somewhat tempestuous toddler. One minute he is running through the house throwing his toys in every direction and demanding "more!!!" of whatever it is that he has at the moment. The next minute he is kissing my leg and saying "UP!" and giving me big kisses on my face. Not only is this a little frustrating, but it is also emotionally draining! I go from having to be stern "Escher, hands off the swiffer vac!" too "oh, Escher, thank you for that hug it made me feel better!" The constant back and forth between emotions leaves me confused, breathless and anxious. What is coming next!

So not only is Escher learning the ropes of emotional regulation, I suppose I am too. Every day I pray for just a little more patience than yesterday. I know that in the grand scheme of things, a lot of what I deal with right now will be forgotten as soon as the next phase is in gear. But I have to wonder... am I setting myself up for a positive future as a mother? Will I raise a child who is polite and obedient and sweet? Will my child be the one in class that can't sit still? How can I go from feeling so confident about being a mother to feeling like I have no clue how to handle my own son? Is this normal? Every day I search for answers and I try my best. I just hope that it is enough!

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